President Bush is
a fantastic president. He’s just president at the wrong
time. All we need to do is swap President Bush with FDR - May
FDR pulls us out of the
dot com and housing bust with his New Deal. We have more tech
and real estate millionaires now. Nixon is his able Vice President.
He uses his Watergate experience for effective domestic surveillance.
And G. W. Bush becomes
president in 1936.
Bush diverts attention
from the Great Depression by declaring the Axis of Evil –
Japan, Germany and Italy. Bush
claims that Germany has WMDs (V rockets) that are to be launced
against Great Britain. He invades Germany before even a single
German soldier sets foot in Poland. The US does not have to
deal with a flood of Polish immigrants. The poor Poles are spared
the brunt of all the ‘Pole’ jokes.
Hitler is captured in his
bunker, just about to commit suicide with Eva Braun and his
German shepherds. Hitler is executed. The small ‘Hitler’
moustache is a GQ fashion symbol rather than a symbol of authoritarianism
and anti-semitism. Geraldo Rivera now has a different look.
6 million innocent and
accomplished Jews do not perish. Auschwitz, Treblinka, Dachau
and Bergen Belsen are at best tongue twisters. The US brings
over those 6 million Jews and gets a jump start in rebuilding
itself out of the Great Depression using their smarts.
Once Hitler is toppled,
Bush gets busy establishing democracy there. However, there
is ethnic violence among the Protestants and Roman Catholics.
There is an election. The Roman Catholics boycott and the Protestants
come to power, only to be labeled as the puppets of Washington.
Ford, GM and Chrysler get unlimited access and eventual ownership
of Mercedes, VW, BMW, Audi, Opel and Porsche. Bloodshed continues
with casualties mounting among US troops and German civilians.
Germany eventually splits into East and West Germany.
The V rockets along with
ALL the rocket scientists are brought to the US as opposed to
losing half of them to the then Soviet Union. The US gets a
quantum leap in acquiring its own ICBMs. There is in no arms
race and the US becomes the most powerful nation in the forties
before we even know the terms Communism and Warsaw Pact.
The US puts the first man
in space while Yuri Gaggarin remains an obscure Mig 15 pilot.
The US also puts the first man on the moon while JFK is still
a Navy Lt.
The Soviet Union is nowhere
near the US – it has no rocket scientists, no ICBMs nor
any nuclear capabilities. A Mig is no longer the dreaded Mikoyan
Gurevich, it only means ‘Moscow Is a Goat’!
Communism collapses 50
years before Reagan has the chance to even utter the words ‘Evil
Empire’. In fact, Reagan remains as a second rate movie
star living in Santa Barbara.
There is no Communism.
Hence, no Joe McCarthy, no Cuban Missile Crisis, no Fidel Castro.
The whole of Cuba is now be turned into Guantanamo Bay. Miami
is not flooded with Cubans, simply with more old people driving
There is no Cold War. Krushchev
is forced to announce Glasnost and Perestroika to keep up with
the times. He becomes an American darling as the Chevy Baby
as opposed to the limelight being stolen by Gorbachev as the
Gorby Baby several decades later.
There is no Korean War
nor the eventual breakup of Korea into North and South Korea.
And now, we would have the chance to blame a greater mass of
land for crappy Kias.
There would be no North
Vietnam and no Vietnam War. Hence, no boat people and no nail
salons. Kent State University would rightfully remain as anonymous
as a small Midwestern College.
Bush then concentrates
on the 2nd of the remaining members of the Axis of Evil –
There is no Pearl Harbor
and no Arizona Memorial. Ben Afleck is spared to concentrate
on better movies than this God awful chick flick, Pearl Harbor.
The US sends troops to
Japan (which it eventually does anyway) without having Hiroshima
and Nagasaki in the history books. Robert Openheimer, instead
of saying, “I am become death…” would instead
be a mere prospering partner of the investment firm, Openheimer
Emperor Hirohito goes into
hiding in the caves of Afghanistan. There is no internet or
Al Jazeera for Hirohito to transmit his fiery video broadcasts.
He dies of hostile surroundings of the Khybar Pass – a
big contrast from his imperial life. Japan is rid of a burdensome
imperial system, thus freeing up tax payers’ money to
start building fuel efficient Toyotas in the forties.
Finally, the US turns to
the last member of the Axis of Evil - Italy. Mussolini is toppled.
America now owns the best car companies in the world –
the fuel efficient Toyota, the snazzy Ferrari and the luxurious
Mercedes Benz. Crappy Ford, Chyrsler and GM cars eclipse and
there are no Detroit woes and no UAWs. The US auto industry
is the envy of the world with its Lincoln Benz, Chrysler Carrera,
Pointiac Passat and Toyota Escort. Halliburton concentrates
on olive oil instead of, well, oil.
In 1936, the US has a black
4 star general who becomes the Secretary of State and then a
black woman as National Security Advisor. MLK does not have
to take a bullet for the blacks to reach the Promised Land.
There is no Mississipi Burning, there are no lynchings and Michael
Richards has no angry rhetoric to draw upon at the Laugh Factory.
Rosa Parks gets to sit in the first row of the bus.
Donald Rumsfeld makes history
with the Rumsfeld Plan as opposed to the more expensive Marshall
Plan. The Berlin Airlift is merely a sky-diving company.
And finally, Vice President
Dick Cheney has no advanced cardio health care available, and
dies an early death. A lawyer’s face is spared of a hunter’s